Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
