New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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