the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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