I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do you remember whose house we're in?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize