I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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