Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
