Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
