My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
