I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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