Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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