so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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