I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
