I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I just blew my weed a kiss
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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