I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
