She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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