one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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