flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
