it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
