who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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