end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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