I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
