I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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