I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
