Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
