I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
