smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
