When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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