so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I want a musical about memes.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
