Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize