I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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