he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
