I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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