i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
