lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize