So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
