Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
