New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
