oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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