I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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