gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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