why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
