i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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