Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dicks are not precious.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
