I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
