Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
