mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
