my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
