life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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