You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
