Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
