I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
