My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
This house was built for laser tag.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
