Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Please, let me fuck your mom
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
