He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
