Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
