i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
