did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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