There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
