She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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